It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything on the blog. July was a mixture of sickness, a totally awesome road trip and finalized some big decisions for our family.
Having fun in life, in our experiences, learning the art of laughter- lightening hard moments, and making hard but right decisions are all life decisions I think God has put before us.
While I’ve remained dark here for awhile, I have so much to say. On healing, on love, on making hard decisions, on grief, on alcoholism and addiction, on a baby after miscarriages and the paralyzing fear that comes with it, on friendship, on community, on grieving loss for your children, on adventures, on following Jesus to the ends of the Earth.
Our current state is “growing” and “going.”
In May, I learned I was pregnant. I won’t lie, but to be brutally honest, we let that dream go along time ago of growing our family. We believed wholeheartedly that our family was done expanding. God has a sense of humor and I am due in February. While I’ve been sick most of the pregnancy this small but significant sign allows me to live my life not paralyzed by the fear that the baby may not be growing. Sickness is a good sign! Praise God for giving us such a clear signal that my body is still doing what it is supposed to be doing.
Our girls are elated. We waited until we heard the heartbeat to tell them. Their joy and love for this baby has filled gaps in my own heart that I didn’t even know needed to be filled. They sing songs, rub the belly, hug and kiss it last thing at night and first thing in the morning. We are praising him for his miracle of life and yet we always wait in anticipation of my next appointment with my doctor.
After a decade of serving and loving others alongside of GO, we resigned. Peace and pain are two emotions, that have taken the most residence in my heart. With all the peace God could give someone, we clearly know our time here is done and our most heartfelt prayers are for him to help us to finish well. But oh the pain of leaving a community, friendships, a way of life that is so deeply embedded in our souls. Somedays I wake up with puffy eyes from all the crying, sometimes I shut down and just sleep. Trying to sleep the pain off. With each “good bye” for both me and my girls, comes a deepening of peace and pain. While we can’t imagine leaving and continue to put one foot in front of the other to do just that, we are ready to move forward and to let the pain go. We are following God’s call into the unknown and we believe he has a great adventure ahead of us.